Sunday, October 04, 2009

What will the future bring?

This seems to be the big question, as this part of my life (law school) is coming to a close...

I wished it would end, but now that it is almost here, I realize how this has been a safe place. I left the real adult working world and ventured back into the hallowed halls (or in this case, converted office looking building) of education. It was harder than my old real job, and the "job" security of it being there could be hit or miss around spring finals for me, but it was good now matter how much I hated (and still hate) it.

Mostly, I am at a crossroads of epic proportions. The economy for a law school grad is not fabulous, especially one from a Tier 4 school who was not at the top of the class. Plus, I don't know where I want to go from here. When I left my old job in Reno my trajectory was anywhere but Reno, similar to when I left for a college anywhere but in LA, and when I graduated from college to land anywhere but Rohnert Park. In this economy, it is nice to know I could always move back in with one of my parents, even if that means sleeping on a couch. But with my 10 year HS reunion coming up I refuse to be the girl who had so much potential at HS graduation and went all the way from promising accounting career to law school to living at home. And then we have the college friends who want nothing more than me to move to the city (SF). This option sounds fab in theory, my sis lives there, and 95% of my friends live there, but I feel that moving back to CA would not be moving forward. I may have moved out of CA after college graduation, but didn't leave it until I came to law school.

It was the leaving that makes it so hard to go back. I don't know how to go back. When I have gone to visit, holidays and what not, and met up with my friends I realize that they moved on and I watched from the outside via facebook and phone calls about the goings on in their lives that I was informed of, but never really a part of. I missed countless weddings, kids being born, major break ups and people getting engaged. I missed the thing that makes friends worth having, being there, through the good and the bad, for the messy lows and the amazing highs. I know they understand that I wasn't there in person, but in spirit, and I missed sending a card because I was probably stuck in the library unsure if it was a Wednesday or Saturday, but I also know as friendships grow and mature, there is that pivotal point where you turn into the friend that visits on weekend that you see a few times a year or the friend that you call whenever something, anything happens...more and more, I am transitioning from the latter to becoming the former. I have to wonder, will it be to late, have I officially turned into that person everyone knows but no one ever sees; Can I go back?

I also spend a lot of time wondering if I should go back...you don't leave CA without a good reason. I love California; I love the beaches, I love the mountains, I love the endless deserts between the beach and mountains. I even kinda like Fresno and Bakersfield(as places to stop when going to Yosemite or Tahoe). As much as I need to stick my feet in the freezing Pacific every so often and commune with the giant Sequoias, there is a little nagging part of me that knows that I may not belong there, at least not full time.

So along with finding a job and taking the bar in a yet to be determined state, I will spend the next year, my last year in law school, trying to figure out why I left California in the first place, and where I belong, or at least a few more places where I don't.